The Presidential Campaign as a Role Playing Game

Probably because it appeals to a couple of my particular areas of geekiness, but this dialogue for Presidential contenders might be The Best Thing Ever. A sample:

HILARY: WTF you guys. Why am I playing the cleric?

MCCAIN: Hilary, we’ve been over this.

HILARY: No, dude. I am so sick of being the girlfriend healer. Seriously, I can’t even use a sword. Fuck this noise.


OBAMA: That’s nice.


MCCAIN: Oh, Jesus. Here we go.


HILARY: C’mon you guys, I’ve been playing this shit since Gygax was in eighth grade. Why can’t I be the party leader with the magic sword for once?

MCCAIN: Because no one wants to see you in a bronze bra.


HILARY: SCREW YOU, Grandpa. I will so kick your ass.

MCCAIN: Yeah? Bring it! I didn’t spend 3 years in the Abyss with Githzerai hooking my nads up to a car battery to get beat by some Wellesley girl.


  1. varangianguard says

    You make me want to extend this to your blog. Apologies in advance to any character who gets his/her just desserts.

    DOUG/GM: Adventuring party, welcome to my Dungeon of Hell (known in mundane as West Lafayette)! Prepare for dicing and slicing.

    Rev AJB: Drat! Typecast as the Cleric again. Can I at least have my Diety be Chaotic this time?

    T: Dude. I thought they dropped Barbarian PC? I wanted to play a Fighter-Mage. I wanted spells.

    VG: My character’s name is Loki-lite.

    Rev AJB: Damn, a Thief.

    VG: I am NOT a Thief. I’m a Rogue.

    T: Watch it, Thief. Or I’ll bash your head in.

    M Kole: Cool! I get to play Sir Hidalgo of La Mancha – Paladin. I want a Henchman.

    VG: I wanted the Barbarian to be a chick this time.

    Doug/GM: Quit whining. OK. Roll initiative.

    Rev AJB: Initiative?!? We’ve barely started.

    T: I bash the Thief on the head.

    VG: I try to Evade.

    Doug/GM: You’re surrounded by a 20 zombies. T, roll your attack on your party member.

    Rev AJB: I want to Rebuke the Barbarian.

    M Kole: I want to Turn the Zombies.

    VG: I missed my Evade roll.

    Doug/GM: Thief, you take 24 points of subdural damage from the Barbarian. Cleric, your Rebuke fails to impress the Barbarian. Paladin, the zombies all concentrate their attacks on you. You succeed in Turning 3-5% of them, the rest deal you four points of Damage.

    T: I turn to attack the zombies.

    Rev AJB: I pray to Turn the zombies.

    M Kole: I draw my Holy Avenger and swing away at the zombies.

    VG: I try to Hide in Shadows.

    Doug/GM: Barbarian, you deal 14 points of damage to zombie #7 (it goes down). Cleric, you succeed in Turning twelve zombies (they run away), Paladin, you roll a natural 20 and decapitate a zombie. Thief, you Fail to Hide, and are turned into a zombie. Now, there are seven zombies left, and you are down one party member. What do you do?

    T: I bash the Thief zombie.

    Amy: You should all be ashamed of yourselves for Turning anybody! They should be allowed to live their lives the way they want.

    Rev AJB: Whose Diety was that?

    M Kole: I get two attacks this round. I hit two zombies.

    Doug/GM: Didn’t I mention the Cleric of Tiamat? She’s right behind you, and those zombies were her minions. You are all struck with a Flame Strike spell. Each of you takes 28 points of damage.

    T: That’s it for me. I’m just 1st Level.

    Rev AJB: Me, too. I failed my Resistance roll anyway.

    M Kole: Daggonit. That was too quick.

    VG: Ur-argh-unnh (after all I’m a zombie now). What are we going to do now?

    Doug/GM: Plenty of Cheetohs and Dew left. Maybe we can play Talisman instead?

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